I would like to say that I am completing my dedicant path right now.
Imbolc 2015 was my first High Day since starting this Dedicant path and we have come full circle.
Despite my spiritual focus and involvement, my path cannot be completed yet and I still have much to learn.
I've made some recent discoveries about myself, my grove and my spiritual contributions that have altered a few of my paths. (I am continuing the Dedicant path so no concerns there!)
Since Winter Solstice/Yule, I have been doing a lot of focused spiritual work, building relationships with my deitys and more strongly than ever I've had The Morrigan in my ear telling me to fight the right battles with everything inside me.
This year I have oathed to be the year of the warrior. This year I will focus on the 2nd triad of Druidic Virtues, the Warrior virtues:
I have vowed to both mental spiritual discipline as well as physical spiritual discipline. No excuses. Equal parts wit and strength with enough drive to persevere through.
I have decided that my leadership with my grove has, in many ways, distracted me from my actual spiritual callings and ambitions. Where I once found connection has been overshadowed by a million other things that cloud my mind.
At Imbolc last year, I found a connection to my community through public ritual, I felt welcomed and supported by a community and I vowed to encourage that each and every high day by being the very best that I can be.
Right now I feel that I have failed that in a few was, while I have tried hard each and every high day, I have become so distracted by external groups and grove functions outside ritual that I have not memorized the core order of ritual, I falter at invocations on the spot, I rely on scripts and lack the warmth (or chill) that is really needed for the best ritual experiences for both myself and our guests. I have not completed my dedicant path because outside of my busy home and college life, the grove has taken up all of my time to stay on top of everything possible. The past year, unofficially, I have been fulfilling the responsibilities of a co-leader for our grove and it's exhausted me to the point where I am burnt out and often times very cynical.
So I thought hard about what I wanted for myself, I talked to my deities and family and have made a few decisions.
First, I love my grove and all the members in it. We all have our strengths and weaknesses, we are human, and that is what makes us beautiful. We are ambitious and diverse.
Second, I want to bring the magic back to our rituals. Brigid keeps telling me to tend the fire, bring my strengths back home and to me, that means back to ritual. Brigid has felt more of a burning intense presence as of late and less of a maternal encouraging force. She gave me strength and support last year at Imbolc, and this year its as if she has aged with me and is telling me to use that wisdom to set passionate fire to what I hold sacred in my heart. The grove positions I was nominated for are not focused on our rituals themselves and so I feel that they are very wrong for me right now.
I've heard Brigid as of late as a strong and powerful deity and know that I need to understand her more this year as such. I need to know her fire, I need to know her smithing side (and I vow to take blacksmithing classes for this), I want to go back to my roots as an herbalist and understand the warmth of a healer. Last year I needed inspiration and nurturing, this year, I need intensity
I have called out to The Morrigan, and over and over and over I hear, "You are letting everything weaken you, cast aside what you do not need and fight for what you know to be right." She is always direct, as if commanding me to stop being so foolish because I know deep down what I want and like every other area in my life, walking on eggshells is not an option. It's simply not me.
Messages from The Morrigan in dreams, in meditations and in omen readings have said things like:
Put your feet to the earth and make some dust as you run with intensity to what you stand for.
See the reality, not the illusion.
Do not yield to impress or please others, period.
Both of these Goddesses (Triple Goddesses at that) have been telling me the same things and so I have decided not to run for a leadership position in my grove this year. (The first year with actual voted positions). I will not divert my time into areas that I feel are distracting to the focus of my place in this grove.
I will focus my energy and spirit to preforming the best damn rituals I can. I will go back to my roots among the kindred and strengthen them. I will focus my energy and attention to the Dedicant path, scholarly interests, and ADF. I will maintain my private rituals each high day and continue to uphold my oaths for the year. I will have more time for myself and my family and be able to breathe without the stress and drama that overshadowed so much last year. I will be an asset to my grove wherever I am needed and let others have the opportunities to step forward and shine.
I love my grove, but I need to thrive if I want to give them as much of me as I can. I want to give them my strengths, not skate by with "just enough".
That is fundamentally, to the core, not me.
This year I need discipline, mental and spiritual. This is the year of Warriors