I haven't written about meditations much lately because I have been using a paper journal but as I am getting back into this blogspace I figure this is an excellent time to pick up.
Last weekend Members and friends of my local Grove (Columbia Protogrove) had out annual campout and one of the workshops was a guided trance meditation to meet our Grove's matron goddess Columbia.
I was nervous before hand as I generally have a tremendously difficult time connecting and meditating around others but I was eager to give it my best attempt anyways.
Tiggy lead the meditation and gave us each a stone to help ground us if we needed it. She lead us through the breathwork and through the guided part and I was able to actually relax and follow her lead. In the beginning of the meditation she told us we were following a coyote who would lead us to Columbia but my mind refused to see a coyote, I saw a bear's back end as he lumbered through the forest. At one point of the meditation, the voice that was Tiggy asked who I saw her as (if anything) and I instantly saw her as a deer. When she suggested following the coyote/bear I got really scared and wanted to shout "NO! It will eat you! You stay here, I'll follow it"
Shortly after this rush of adrenenline/protection/nervous fear I came upon a "door" that was set in a huge tree. Here Tiggy told us that this door would reveal our deepest thoughts and darkest fears but would awaken new thoughts. *In retrospect, this may not be 100% what she said, but its what I remember her saying and what I reacted strongly too*
Im not going to lie, my heart stopped for half a second. I thought this whole meditation was going to be happy, and light hearted and fun, but when she suggested that what was behind the door was something I feared or that troubled me, I choked up because I didn't want to go through. Ive had a lot of family issues the past week and I have felt, like never before, unloved, Hated even, and unsupported by my father, and my biological and step mothers. I came camping as a distraction from a mountain of hurt that had cut me deeply the past couple weeks and Tiggy had exposed those open wounds in this meditation. I was afraid that those nerves were exposed, my emotions were raw, the overwhelming feeling that I am "always wrong" or "bad" made me afraid to open the door and more afraid to meet a Goddess in such a broken state of mind.
If I am being 100% honest here, I have been on hallucinogens before, but I have never ever had a "bad trip". At this point of the meditation I felt at risk, while 100% sober, of having a tremendously "bad trip". That is a new experience to me.
Then Tiggy said that there was a soft voice beyond the door calling me to open it and I mustered up as much courage as I could and opened the door.
*At this point of the meditation Tiggy was silent and for probably 15 min or so we had only drum music to help direct our journey*
The "little voice" beyond the door ended up being a tiny little cartoon crab, and I giggled. I felt a weight was lifted, all the fear before opening the door was gone and I looked all over the ground and everywhere were these little cartoon crabs of orange and red leading me to a river over a bunch of river rocks. In the middle of the river was a women running her hands through the water.
I wasn't scared of her, I walked up to her, she had long red hair, fair skin and a bright blue dress and when I asked her what she was doing she said "blessing the fish, and everything in this river" I responded, "even me?" and she said "especially you." I stopped for a minute and watched a current of salmon pass around me.
When I turned back to look at her, she had changed in appearance, now she was dark haired, Native American skinned wearing a soft brown gown.
She said "You know, the river gives life to so much, it nurtures, and it destroys, but nothing is as destructive as humans. Ive seen your heart, its like the heart of this river, hurt by the humans that surround it. And yet, both you and the river keep flowing, refusing to give up. My river is old, and so is your soul, we are stronger than we feel, but everything needs to feel loved by a mother."
I was in tears at this point of the meditation (as I am now, writing it) and I told her "but humans keep destroying you, wont there be nothing left?
She responded back "The thing about rivers is that even if you damn them, they become lakes and lakes are full of power and magic too. Different, but still alive"
She changed ethnicity again and looked pacific islander, different shape to the eyes, different dark hair and a bright green sarong.
This was the part of the meditation where I didn't know what to say, I was emotional, I was talking to a goddess and crying about it, I began looking at the various stones in the water around my feet when she interrupted me
I heard my name "Amber" and it sounded so jarring that I legitimately nearly opened my eyes from the meditation sure that someone was trying to get my attention. But I looked back up at her and she said "Amber, you are loved. Im a mother of old and a mother to generations and I love you."
At this point of the meditation I lost it again and couldn't hold back my tears. Of all the things I had expected from this meditation...this was 100% NOT it. This was a different sort of powerful.
At this point Columbia, (who had changed form, yet again, now what appeared to be a Mexican decent woman in a yellow dress) Told me not to cry and that we should enjoy this time. She grabbed my hand and said that a mother and daughter should always feel the joy in dancing so we danced through the river and laughed, and the salmon jumped out of the water as if to join in too. Then she grabbed my hand and eagerly told me she had something to show me, we raced off in the water to an area full of colored stones. She wanted to show me the rainbow underwater and I was awestruck by the beautiful colored stones that were separated by colors and covered in beautiful patterns. I picked them up and held them and each one seemed to sing. I felt like a child who had been taken to my first tide pool and was told I could touch the urchins and anemones.
I looked around for the bear that had lead me here and could not find him, I looked around for the crabs, but they were gone.
Columbia had left to go back and tend to the waters while I explored this rainbow rock bed.
At this point the meditation was ending and so I had to say goodbye, I shouted goodbye and waved to Columbia and dropped the stones I was holding. Columbia waved but she was far away so I could not hear her if she said good bye. I took off running back for the door and as I got nearly too it I heard Columbia's voice in the wind "Protect the river for you are loved"
And I was back.
I have legitimately never felt so connected to a river in my life and for being the first guided meditation I actually connected too, it was one of the most powerful things Ive ever experienced.