Whats new with this Spider...

So.
There is a lot going on in my world right now. 

After about 6 solid months of consideration about "when is the right time?" I finally decided to dive into the pre-clergy program head first.   

I finished my Dedicant Path around Imbolc 2017 and it has been 1 year and 8 months of me trying to decide which direction I wanted to go in ADF ultimately. I considered pursuing some guild programs while I made up my mind but everything in my life began pointing me down the clergy path. 

My meditations, divination, grove members, grove guests, friends and family. All signs (and my own heart) were pointing me to start the clergy training, so what was stopping me? 

Fear of quitting. Intimidation of the coursework. Thoughts of "but Im so small....this is so big". and that little voice in the back of my head that says "life is pretty easy right now, lets stay here."

But,
Even though I had those things in my head being the evil little twits that they are sometimes, I had something stronger, pulsing, with confidence, drive and determination. My heart. 

My grove mates were unaware of my internal battle about "when to start? when to announce? should I do it?" clergy thoughts because I knew they would all be encouraging and support me (YAY wonderful people!) but I wanted to make sure that it was MY choice to make without being influenced and feeling almost obligated not to let them down. 

At our Grove's outdoor festival, Beyond the Gates, there was a box. A balsa wood box that all the guests were to write letters to their ancestors, gods, nature spirits. Letters to their younger selves, affirmations, goals, oaths, etc. They had all weekend to fill that box, writing as much and as often as they wanted too. So that when the box burned in closing ritual the messages would be released to whom they were intended. 

My note was too myself. It was essentially a reminder that I am not bound by my own insecurities and I never have been. Insecurity is in the mind, not the heart, and that "binding" feeling wasn't real nor a place to set up camp and live.  I am more than the trauma of my past because that little girl has grown up into a successful, strong woman. I wrote to all my younger selves, be it child, 10 years ago, or the week previous. 

When that box went up in glorious flames, a tremendous weight lifted off my chest and I locked eyes with the priests on the other side of the fire from where I stood. My heart and mind were, for the first time, in unison screaming at me that not only could I do this, but that I would do it exceptionally well because it's part of who I am at my core, who I want to be in my grove, in my community, and my fellowship as well.  The gate that had been bolted shut for so long not only swung its doors open but twisted the metal so they couldn't close again. 

I had decided. NOW is the time. Then, as if he knew (and part of me wonders still), I was called out after that closing ritual (that I led)  by Arch Druid emeritus Kirk Thomas to pursue clergy in front of 40+ people.  His comment was not something I had expected to happen so when he said it, I smiled and said "we will see."

But I knew,
I just wasn't ready to share it to the world yet. 
I wanted to keep it with me, and me alone, if only for a couple days. 

Barely had my feet touched the carpet of my apartment before I was online printing out the requirements for pre-clergy. Within hours I had my amazon list filled with a dozen books. Word doc. open and first paragraph written...then second. then third page. 

My grove mates and even my husband were rather blind sighted that I charged into the program like a wild bull, seemingly out of nowhere, but how could they have known that this had been a war within myself for months? They, as I knew they would, were beyond supportive of me and began cheering me on at the announcement. 

So here I am. This blog is alive again. 

I started pre-clergy courses 10 days ago
I'm 13 assignments in (of 55);
24% done

I got this.